I was going through some of my old posts from when I initially began this blog, and I was quite surprised at how regularly I was posting though I cant speak too much for the content or writing.
Not a big surprise, and I cant say there has been noteworthy improvement since then.
But I came across a post I had written right after I had graduated about finding balance within myself. My weight loss, self-image, and insecurities were things that I had been battling since I was in middle school and I wanted to embark on a journey to self love and acceptance.
I had convinced myself that when I turned twenty-one I wouldn’t be the same girl plagued by fears of not being good enough. Not good enough to attain success, confidence, and peace within myself. No, I would blossom and vanquish the demons that I had allowed terrorize me for so long from my thoughts, so that I could grow.
But here we are at twenty one and most days I couldn’t feel more trapped by those demons. I wake up everyday heavy with emotion and regret at how I have allowed myself to stray so far from where I had planned to be.
Its been almost five years
of saying this will be the year I finish school
of attempting to stick with a weigh loss journey
of the same dislike of myself
And I know I alone am responsible for how far I let myself decline.
Often times I don’t think we notice most of the wounds we obtain are self-inflicted, that the underlining self doubt and disdain can gnaw away until you become numb to its very existence. I don’t want to keep allowing myself to sink further.
I decided last month I was going to begin pursing a different and more positive outlook. That I would not continue to hold myself back out of fear of not being good enough. I decided to start with re-establishing this blog.
I don’t where it will go or who will even care to read but I’m done worrying incessantly about it.
So here’s to believing in ones self again and walking the road to finding balance.